do i really want to blog? under what name?? i resisted as long as i could for want of a name, though actually i do have a couple of blogs i created somewhere in cyberspace which are lost because i've forgotten what i named them!! its the same with a couple of myspace characters! what is it with some of us that we can't really create a separate name and identity for ourselves without some variation of our given names while others are able to create completely new virtual personalities for themseleves?
what is it with the ones like me who cannot find another name to be used for an email or blog or chatname to save their live? is it our ego that will not allow us to lose the identity we have? do we so strongly identify with the name that we are lost without it? this makes me wonder what other labels are we living with in our heads according to which we align our lives. woman, mother, wife... what subconcious roles are we playing, keeping up with the images and personas ingrained in our psyche. Specially if they are sub-consciously motivated.
the funny part of it all is that as a person i am a rebel. i never do what i am meant to, i never accept the given, i'm always fighting against rules and realities which seem irrational to my own logic and values.
and i'm the creative type! or at least i think i am!! of course my education did all it could to kill it. the teacher who hated me the most and i had the distinction of slapping back was my art teacher!! and then i did the masters in commerce. that really sucked out the purity and randomness of discovery by training my brain to be business-minded! not that it was successful in turning me into a slick business woman! i wish!
so, here i am, at cross-roads. don't know who i am. don't know what i want to do. or which way to go. and it all began when my parents changed my name from sabina to subina on the spur of the moment to avoid alienating the Nehru family!
and now i struggle between thinking that fine, thats the name i was meant to live with and no, let me switch to what i was meant to be! and then i think, what's in a name! for a rose, that is.
