so one day i wrote, and thought that this may be a good way to give some of the chattering monkeys of the mind a space to vent themselves!! but the monkeys dont follow a format. they don't make sense. thay are random in their process and its difficult to write about what the mind is producing. unless i have some way of coming up with a theory to understand the pattern in their randomness... see show called 'numbers' for theories on friendship patterns and major behaviour analysis using mathematics!
that is the problem with most of my life... lack of consistency. can't like one thing and stay with it. of course, today's gen would see nothing wrong with that. like many other aspects, i was too early for the times! could be the gemini trait looking at more than one exciting thing to do. or the supposedly high instant intelligence where the excitement comes in understanding a new concept, learning a new art, doing a new thing, and the challenge is in attacking the newnesss. perseverance and preservation of existing knowledge and furthering the same thing feels boring. or so i think.
what needs to be understood is that is it boring or basically requires too much of work for small gains which are not visibly noticable, so no 'wow' factor! basically do i still operate in attention-seeking mode ... parents, please note, i seem to be still looking for approval and reaffirmation of my goodness!
so grow up! move on. parents will keep doing the same shit unto you. thats their job! what about your job. do what you need to do. i can see two more threads emerging from this which i need to address - the blame the parents crap and the waiting for the world to right itself rather than taking proactive steps to do something about it state!
so i have two new topics i want to write about. its taken me more than two months to write the second piece. lets see what happens to good intentions and i can also blog this time. will i be able to come back to this spot soon or will another two months go by without realising it.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
what's in a name
do i really want to blog? under what name?? i resisted as long as i could for want of a name, though actually i do have a couple of blogs i created somewhere in cyberspace which are lost because i've forgotten what i named them!! its the same with a couple of myspace characters! what is it with some of us that we can't really create a separate name and identity for ourselves without some variation of our given names while others are able to create completely new virtual personalities for themseleves?
what is it with the ones like me who cannot find another name to be used for an email or blog or chatname to save their live? is it our ego that will not allow us to lose the identity we have? do we so strongly identify with the name that we are lost without it? this makes me wonder what other labels are we living with in our heads according to which we align our lives. woman, mother, wife... what subconcious roles are we playing, keeping up with the images and personas ingrained in our psyche. Specially if they are sub-consciously motivated.
the funny part of it all is that as a person i am a rebel. i never do what i am meant to, i never accept the given, i'm always fighting against rules and realities which seem irrational to my own logic and values.
and i'm the creative type! or at least i think i am!! of course my education did all it could to kill it. the teacher who hated me the most and i had the distinction of slapping back was my art teacher!! and then i did the masters in commerce. that really sucked out the purity and randomness of discovery by training my brain to be business-minded! not that it was successful in turning me into a slick business woman! i wish!
so, here i am, at cross-roads. don't know who i am. don't know what i want to do. or which way to go. and it all began when my parents changed my name from sabina to subina on the spur of the moment to avoid alienating the Nehru family!
and now i struggle between thinking that fine, thats the name i was meant to live with and no, let me switch to what i was meant to be! and then i think, what's in a name! for a rose, that is.
what is it with the ones like me who cannot find another name to be used for an email or blog or chatname to save their live? is it our ego that will not allow us to lose the identity we have? do we so strongly identify with the name that we are lost without it? this makes me wonder what other labels are we living with in our heads according to which we align our lives. woman, mother, wife... what subconcious roles are we playing, keeping up with the images and personas ingrained in our psyche. Specially if they are sub-consciously motivated.
the funny part of it all is that as a person i am a rebel. i never do what i am meant to, i never accept the given, i'm always fighting against rules and realities which seem irrational to my own logic and values.
and i'm the creative type! or at least i think i am!! of course my education did all it could to kill it. the teacher who hated me the most and i had the distinction of slapping back was my art teacher!! and then i did the masters in commerce. that really sucked out the purity and randomness of discovery by training my brain to be business-minded! not that it was successful in turning me into a slick business woman! i wish!
so, here i am, at cross-roads. don't know who i am. don't know what i want to do. or which way to go. and it all began when my parents changed my name from sabina to subina on the spur of the moment to avoid alienating the Nehru family!
and now i struggle between thinking that fine, thats the name i was meant to live with and no, let me switch to what i was meant to be! and then i think, what's in a name! for a rose, that is.
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